Friday, December 3, 2010

blabbery. blab.

So the time has come to write again. Honestly it seems like every time I begin to write, I look at the screen unable to put my thoughts in to words. My desires into thoughts. My life understandable for others. I have been pondering with the thoughts of does my life actually need to be understandable to others? Or just mainly to myself? But then there are times when I don't even understand it...

I do know a couple things to be true, real, and lovely. I do know that Life is hard, BUT with God is joyous. Those hardships bring about joy. I know that there are situations in our life that bring us to question what is true, real and lovely but when you let those things display the cross...they will...and they will reveal PURE BEAUTY.

I want to live from all my heart.
I want to be bold and brave.
I want to seek first the Kingdom.
I want to love God purely on the basis of receiving nothing in return.

I know I am not always going to get it right. I know that my faith is going to be tested. I know that i am going to fail. I know that my father will ALWAYS pick me up.

I guess this journal entry speaks from whats on my heart currently.
11.24.10
"Father,
Today is a weird day. Darryl died last night. I'm unsure about a lot of things. Father take my worry. take my anxious thoughts. Purify my heart. Teach me how to rely fully on you. Teach me to be selfless. That i would not have ulterior motives. That i would not want things back. I feel like its about 50/50. Sometimes I am like that, sometimes I am not. Father, I pray that you would direct my footsteps. My thoughts. My dreams. I wanna fight for good. Love for love. Make a difference in the world around me. I wanna dream big. Love bigger. Father, I pray that I would begin to see everyone around me as brothers and sisters. Change my mindset...I just want to serve you. seek you. May I just keep the first thing the first thing. May I just stay and remained fixed on you. It is always such a struggle. Lord help me not to lie to myself, If I am not in a good place, help me to not think that I am. Help me to know that i need you more than anything. Help me to understand and want your love to captivate me above all. I WANT TO FALL DEEPER IN LOVE WITH YOU! Father show me how to be a stronger, wiser woman of God. I am amazing that you have loved me so much that you came down to my level and died for me. Help me to really keep that into perspective. Help me to really desire you first above all. Father, I see that your ways are perfect. I want to follow your perfect ways. I want to search and seek out the things you want me to search and seek out. I guess I just find myself wondering how to do that at the end of the day. Am I really just different from everyone else or oddly the same? Its not that I want to be different i just want to be me but not ordinary. Am I still trying to figure out who I am? I am a princess. A daughter of the most high king. A sister. A friend. A lover. A creator. What makes me believe that I am not good enough? Is it purely the lies of the enemy? Or are things just on the basis of your desires and what you truly have for us. Do I need to make myself more available or even at all? Father I just need to fall more in love with how you've created me.
Psalm 139:4 'Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O' Lord.' Help me to control my tongue, help me to only speak when I need to speak. Father I need to listen more. to observe more. I pray and ask for discernment over my speech. Lord I cant even imagine you laying your hand upon me. Lord I thank you and I praise you that you are ALWAYS with me. I thank you that you made no mistakes when you created me. That you look at me and see pure beauty. I pray that I would get deep revelation on how you feel about me. Not that my pride would rise but that I would remain humble in who I am. Father, I repent of any pride in my heart. I ask that you would bring it to the surface. Father I am sorry that I think I can do it by my own strength. I NEED YOU. I lay myself and all that I am at your feet. I NEED YOU. Create in me a pure heart. Help me to find beauty in the midst of the dirty. May I look for you in everyone. in everything. You say that I find you when I seek you with my whole heart. May I fully seek you with everything I have. I don't want to be something I am not. May I decrease so that you would increase in my life. Father I thank you for your son. I thank you for the cross. For relationships. For love. For how you created each and everyone of us. I love you. Amen."

God is good. sooo good.

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